a moment of still and silence
i was studying (or rather trying to ) for my archi construction exams coming up this friday, and my mind just took off from all the notes and diagrams to somewhere far...and i stayed there, still and silent, in my thoughts. it was a silent night, and the tick tocks of my clock was louder than usual. i was thinking...thinking about many things. things which i use to be passionate about. things i always day dreamt about. things random, things close to my heart.
1) insecurities
after this very difficult sem, i've seen many ppl fall and break apart in studio. some sailed thru, and most struggled in my studio. i remembered not being able to sit in frnt of my workstation for more than 15 mins cos ppl are asking questions about design, detailing, revit, autocad, viz...and i was walking here and there the entire night eve of submission. i tried to help as much as possible, with patience and sincerity. i wasn't anymuch better than them. its just that i explored the computer progs more than them and eariler than them, and had extra coaching from david. i was just passing knowledge ard. most of the time, i couldn;t help them...lingwei should know this better than anyone else. anyways, i just thought at the end of the submission, will our friendship be more than studiomates and a helpdesk relationship? i have this awful feelin it will. maybe after the sem ends, no one will call my help line anymore...
why am i feeling like this? its nothing much actually. its not affecting me...just a random thought that came to me while insch earlier to submit my portfolio. submission is at 10 and everyone disappeared after that. its like...u rush to sch, to hand in ur stuff, and rush back to study. i rushed back too...thats why i was wondering if we are just studio mates. we only relate to each other because of work.
but again, its the exams period, and everyone should be rushing home to study. so...whatever...
i think i am insecure. thats why i'm having these thoughts. i dun exactly know if it is really insecurity, but i can never survive in an environment where ppl ard me are not my friends. i need friends whom i can connect with and have some relationship with, other than sch stuff and a helpdesk relationship. Maybe ppl dun talk to each other like they care anymore. i dun think i can survive archi if everyone is everyone's competition. i dun perform under stress and competition.
so do u call that insecurity? or overexpectation of ur friends? or a naive belief of human relationship in sch still works? maybe i read too much in friendship, placed too much emphasis on relationhips between people.
2) relationships
as far as i want to believe i've established some kind of relationship with friends from archi, my relationship with di is getting weird. sometimes i really feel so close to her...to a point where i can say 2 words, and she can read my mind from that 2 words ( it usually happen one way. she needs to say 200 words to get a 2 word idea across to me ). or even reading each other's tone from a phonecall, or even the look on each other's face. but there are times i feel really far away from her. it usually happen ard 3am in the morning. thats why i usually try to sleep b4 3am. its my saddest time of the day, or night, or day...whatever. at 3am, i'll be normally doing models, drawing, or studying, and definately missing di. i feel most lonely ard that time, and i miss her an awful lot at that time. i can't call her and hear her voice because she sleeps at 11 plus, and we dont even call each other before sleeping. most of the time she will call me, cos i dun remember when is the last time i slept earlier than her.
3) spiritual health
i feel thankful for so many blessed things in my life. just feel really bad that i didn't use them to glorify god at all. i'm not even shining for god in my sch, or telling my friends about God's wonderful love. i feel that i'm this selfish kid who is holding on to something very percious and refusing to share. i should really be thankful and stop complaning. should improve my spiritual health and get closer to God. need to pass these blessings to ppl i love too...
4) studies
i'n really bad at studying. never a mugger or a smart kid. always been so average in my studies. my archi contruct notes are actually 1 inch thick. i'm way too slow and way too relaxed.
1) insecurities
after this very difficult sem, i've seen many ppl fall and break apart in studio. some sailed thru, and most struggled in my studio. i remembered not being able to sit in frnt of my workstation for more than 15 mins cos ppl are asking questions about design, detailing, revit, autocad, viz...and i was walking here and there the entire night eve of submission. i tried to help as much as possible, with patience and sincerity. i wasn't anymuch better than them. its just that i explored the computer progs more than them and eariler than them, and had extra coaching from david. i was just passing knowledge ard. most of the time, i couldn;t help them...lingwei should know this better than anyone else. anyways, i just thought at the end of the submission, will our friendship be more than studiomates and a helpdesk relationship? i have this awful feelin it will. maybe after the sem ends, no one will call my help line anymore...
why am i feeling like this? its nothing much actually. its not affecting me...just a random thought that came to me while insch earlier to submit my portfolio. submission is at 10 and everyone disappeared after that. its like...u rush to sch, to hand in ur stuff, and rush back to study. i rushed back too...thats why i was wondering if we are just studio mates. we only relate to each other because of work.
but again, its the exams period, and everyone should be rushing home to study. so...whatever...
i think i am insecure. thats why i'm having these thoughts. i dun exactly know if it is really insecurity, but i can never survive in an environment where ppl ard me are not my friends. i need friends whom i can connect with and have some relationship with, other than sch stuff and a helpdesk relationship. Maybe ppl dun talk to each other like they care anymore. i dun think i can survive archi if everyone is everyone's competition. i dun perform under stress and competition.
so do u call that insecurity? or overexpectation of ur friends? or a naive belief of human relationship in sch still works? maybe i read too much in friendship, placed too much emphasis on relationhips between people.
2) relationships
as far as i want to believe i've established some kind of relationship with friends from archi, my relationship with di is getting weird. sometimes i really feel so close to her...to a point where i can say 2 words, and she can read my mind from that 2 words ( it usually happen one way. she needs to say 200 words to get a 2 word idea across to me ). or even reading each other's tone from a phonecall, or even the look on each other's face. but there are times i feel really far away from her. it usually happen ard 3am in the morning. thats why i usually try to sleep b4 3am. its my saddest time of the day, or night, or day...whatever. at 3am, i'll be normally doing models, drawing, or studying, and definately missing di. i feel most lonely ard that time, and i miss her an awful lot at that time. i can't call her and hear her voice because she sleeps at 11 plus, and we dont even call each other before sleeping. most of the time she will call me, cos i dun remember when is the last time i slept earlier than her.
3) spiritual health
i feel thankful for so many blessed things in my life. just feel really bad that i didn't use them to glorify god at all. i'm not even shining for god in my sch, or telling my friends about God's wonderful love. i feel that i'm this selfish kid who is holding on to something very percious and refusing to share. i should really be thankful and stop complaning. should improve my spiritual health and get closer to God. need to pass these blessings to ppl i love too...
4) studies
i'n really bad at studying. never a mugger or a smart kid. always been so average in my studies. my archi contruct notes are actually 1 inch thick. i'm way too slow and way too relaxed.
posted by jx at 11:34 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home